I was literally laughing as I wrote the title.
Shafiqa doing blogging? For real?
Lotssssa things have happened in my life. It all started from my breakup, continuous breakdown/standing up/crashing down again, finding myself and discovering self-worth, allowing myself to cry one day and tryna be happy the next day -- such an ugly process, worse that I had to go through these while completing my Master degree (that's another ugly journey on a side note). Been more than one year and I'm still struggling right now.
I went through a lot of changes, mostly emotionally and mentally. My moving on phase seemed all good at first. I had supports from my family and friends, I was never alone and I am forever grateful for that. They kept reminding me of my self-worth, how I will meet someone better for me, someone who deserves me, and how I should leave everything in God's hands and just go with the flow. For a moment I was enjoying my single life, making (soo many so many) new friends and talked more than I ever did, being more outdoor I even ran and hiked. I didn't think about anything and typically trying out new things to kill my free time (which I used to kill with him) and fill up my emptiness. I was a bird. A. Free. Fucking. Bird.
Now, here's where I went wrong. Not worrying about anything and just go with the flow. You know at some point in your life, you just get tired of it. You get sick of being carefree and not worrying about your future. At that point, going with the flow just dont work anymore. I realized that its completely okay to worry because I AM HUMAN. WHO NEEDS AN ASSURANCE. Will I ever settle? With who? When? I'm not getting younger and if I don't at leasssst put an effort in it will it ever come to me? No, right? Not everyone gets the privilege of having the right person arriving at their doorstep, right? This time, for one more time, I stumbled and break down.
If you're gonna tell me "Sis there are more to life not just love and marriage" oh yeah true but can yall sit down I admit that's the only thing I'm worried about cuzzz apparently THATS THE ONLY THING THAT I COULDNT FIGURE OUT. If my study or family or health sucks definitely I'll be worrying about them too but they good so
I began reflecting myself. For one year I've been so free-spirited and spontaneous. I still keep a wall but I've become much more welcoming to strangers. I talked a lot, laughed a lot. Sounds good? Maybe but for a sec, I didn't know who I am and I forgot who I was. I didn't recognize myself anymore. Syafiqah who I dont know her. I even spelled my name Shafiqa. WTH.
I was living lowkey yet bright, I was reserved and exclusive, I had small circles and I was pretty content. I was a determined, organized, structured person. I lost her. I lost myself in this journey. I miss the old me.
I recalled myself spending way more Me Time before, and I soon realized that I haven't had it for so long. My time has been occupied with people and activities involving people, I forgot that I need some me time. I barely went window shopping alone and spending time having coffee on my own - things I frequently did way back then, even when I was in relationship. I recalled myself feeling happy both by having alone time and in his company. Now, I spend my time more with people but less with myself. Perhaps that's what made me feel so lonely.
I couldn't go back to him (lmao) so I started by slowly having some me time and keeping a limit in socializing. This time, my me time includes drawing and calligraphy - two things I've been passionate about and good at. I felt so satisfied everytime I finish my artworks! I could simply immerse myself and get lost in the process and at the end of it, it felt SO rewarding to see the final result :DD and good thing is I felt disconnected from the world - issa feeling that I've been missing for soooo looong. Though, I still felt that something is lacking. Like, I hadn't FULLY expressed myself, yet. Since then, I began to write. Not really write but here's what I did - I looked up quotes and poems on Pinterest, found some relatable ones and copy typed them on my drawing books. lmao now I think that sounds pretty weird to do but it strangely felt more expressive. Maybe because the words are relatable and there's this idea that someone else is able to express what they feel and turn them to words, meanwhile you are naturally suck at expressing them but when you read them you're like SIS I FEEL THAT...? Im pretty sure some of you guys can relate?
While this weird new hobby feels more satisfying, I thought hey maybe I should write my own words..like, it doesnt have to be poetry or quotes; it could be thoughts, anything. I didn't think of getting back to blogging, really. For those who's been following me must've noticed my on and off with this blogging thingy. I found it hard to keep this blog alive simply because -- I'm just not really into writing. I am lazy. If I wanna share a thought I'd go on Twitter and rant in 140 characters. If I wanna share a photo I'd hit Instagram, write a short caption and post it khalas. But I've got sooo much to share haha especially when I go for hiking or having a good dining. So I'm considering blogging.... IDK maybe Im ganna take blogging more seriously, maybe Im not, we'll see. For me, blogging has a lot more to do with my me time rather than sharing things for the sake of sharing. It's the time where I could get to know myself, communicate to the inner me, self-reflect and escape from social interactions. If I do blogging, I'll do it for myself.
As for the relationship things, I've decided to just do me and be the best version of myself. It won't be easy and simple as it may sound but I am trying. I also have a crush on this one guy in my lab (LOLLLLLLLLL) I really like him but he seems not interested in me :( but Im not gonna give up yet hahahahaha but Im also afraid of hoping. idk.......pray for me pwease.
Oh and wish me luck, I'm starting my PhD soon :D
